the downsides of bodyswapping
by dance-at-bougival
Summary: klaus finds out about certain necessary bodily functions. he is not pleased.


It comes to Klaus's attention, a few hours into his guise, that certain _functions _which had not been necessary for over a thousand years are, regrettably, necessary now.

He crosses his legs. He is the most powerful being in the world, and he can afford to cross his legs just this once. The discomfort, in fact, arises not so much from the crossing of said legs, but rather the fact that he has no idea where the alien scrotum and genitalia between his legs have been.

_Oh God,_ he thinks. _What if this day-drinking, regrettable-career having man frequents strip clubs?_

("Never go near those," Elijah had informed him sagely when some of the first modern brothels emerged in America. "You shall contract venereal diseases the likes of which we have never seen, and our family will never recover from the shame."

"Confetti on your prick," Rebekah had added, not quite so sagely.

"Not to mention," Elijah carried on, "prostitutes ruin the furniture, brother. Best not go near.")

"We didn't really think this through, did we, Maddox?" He says plaintively.

"No, sir." Maddox replies, equally as plaintive.

"I think you look _dashing_," Katerina says from the other side of the room, batting her lashes. "Not many men can pull off the legs-crossed, constipated look but _you_, oh—"

He hisses at her.

* * *

"I won't do it!" He shouts two hours later. "I have faced death and I have won! I have waited a thousand years to unlock my birth right! I'm the hybrid, _and I shall not suffer this indignity_!"

Greta, the mouthy little witch, cocks a hip, and says, "You jus' gotta _do_ it, boss. You jus' gotta bounce that dick out and _roll_, you know what I'm sayin'?"

"Eloquent," Katerina says, nodding.

"I don't have to _bounce_ anything, Greta!" Klaus roars. "You! Maddox! Alleviate me! Use your magic and relieve me!"

"I cannot, Klaus," Maddox says regretfully. "You just stay within the body until we can put you back. You must bend to the body's wishes, sir. You must, as Greta says, pull out the human's member and urinate."

"Mmmhmmm," Greta purses her lips, crosses her arms.

"Lie back and think of England." Katerina says.

"You shut up!" He yells at the doppelganger. "Don't push me, Katerina! I will rip out your spleen and shove it down your throat!"

It would be more threatening, he thinks, if he is not currently jumping up and down on one foot while clenching his hands between his legs.

He comes out five minutes later, having touched another man's—even worse, a _human's_—genitalia, and by _God_, it wasn't even Stef—

Ahem.

"He has urinary tract issues." Klaus says blankly. "It took me fifteen minutes."

Maddox nods. "The human is approaching middle-age."

"He be shootin' _blanks_." Greta adds.

* * *

("How do you think—" Even Damon found the words difficult. "How do you think he pees?"

There is awkward silence in the Salvatore's living room.

"You think like, we should add sexual-harassment to the list?"

Stefan furrows his brow. "Shit.")

* * *

Two days later, after killing the Bennett witch at that run-down dump of a school, he is alerted to certain _other_ callings of the body.

("No brothels, remember, brother," Elijah had said. "We are above such human filth. We must remember, silverware needs looking after, and prostitutes have such an _abominable_ record with Mikaelson silver."

"Confetti," Rebekah had reiterated. "On your _prick_.")

"You should alleviate yourself, sir." Maddox says to him, stern-faced.

"Prostitutes," Klaus replies, stiff. "Ruin the furniture."

Greta is looking through the human's closet. "What the hell is this? Daaa-_yum_. That is a _shitbucket_ of plaid, Klaus."

"I was not talking of prostitutes, sir." Maddox replies, as serious as ever. He gestures to the human's bedroom. "We can leave your company. Allow you a few hours to yourself."

Katerina lifts an eyebrow, smirks.

"I don't follow." Klaus says.

"Blow your own horn." Maddox replies, solemn. "Churn the butter."

"What?"

"Make the bald man cry."

"I don't understand."

"Hoist your own petard."

"Maddox, you are making no sense."

"Liquidate your inventory."

"Maddox, if this is a riddle, I am not finding it funny—"

"Masturbate."

Katerina lifts an eyebrow. Greta hums in satisfaction.

"You didn't, you didn't bother there." Katerina says.

"I know. I ran out of amusing euphemisms." Maddox replies sagely. "The suggestion, however, sir, still stands."

* * *

Later, Klaus snarls, "We will never speak of this. _Ever_."

* * *

(When he says, "Thanks for the loaner, mate," a few days later to the human, he can't quite bring himself to look the man in the eyes.)


End file.
